I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
