I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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