Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
