If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
