I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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