I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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