I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
