No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
