It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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