Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
