There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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