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I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You're a waste of cheezeits
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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