mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
