are you still at the devil's house?
Having a random hookup so left but love u
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
