I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
