Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
