i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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