I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
