eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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