i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
