I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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