Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
