How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Randomize
