I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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