i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
