I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
