I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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