why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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