Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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