he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
