my phone needs a breathalizer
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have fence marks all over my body
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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