my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Randomize
