I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
