Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
