I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
