I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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