My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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