I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
