Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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