I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
