let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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