At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think my moral compass just broke
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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