You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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