Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Drunk is not a location!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
