She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
