You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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