I wish I could teleport
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
