News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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