Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
