It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
