My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
